Rest: Hell, My Body Needs This

Rest.

There is a powerful message in the concept of filling your own cup. Yes, filling your cup, allowing your cup to overflow and learning daily, that you cannot pour from an empty cup.

But what do you do when your cup is dry? Not empty, but dry?

Rest.

In my first published book, I wrote a small note to myself about my cup being chipped, empty and dry at times. That was my first self-reminder about its importance.

“What comes out of the cup is for ya”ll. What’s in the cup is mine. But I’ve got to keep my cup full. ”

— Iyanla Vanzant

This past week, I experienced JOY, happiness, fatigue, grief, and all the emotions that make us human. Right? I pay close attention to the days I feel fatigued and exhausted. Lack of rest and clarity can disrupt quite a bit in our daily lives, I am a huge advocate for naps! Or in other words, resting my eyes. Our bodies can feel, detect and warn us when it is time to slow down, take a pause and FULL on stop.

This memo was loud and clear for me this past week. I fully cancelled Thursday.

Thursday morning, I was halfway through an assignment and multiple e-mails. Needless to say, I had so many tabs open in my mind; a growing to-do list, imposter syndrome wouldn’t let me rest, and I was constantly going on a few hours of sleep. I had class within the hour, so my anxiety crept upon me and wouldn’t allow me to type let alone finish my assignment. I began to panic.

Oh! To add insult to injury, the weather was a mixture of rain, snow, bitter cold, and I checked my ovulation calendar …let’s just say, I cried a salty river. I came to the abrupt conclusion, I needed to rest.

I’ve grown from feeling guilty when I take a day off, skip an assignment, call out from anything, and simply put ME first. I’ve grown past that. I recognize that everyone’s situation and circumstances may be different, but it took some severe ill moments for me, personally, to learn this.

Right before my move to Philly, I was committed to the hospital. I was in the hospital as a result of stress and exhaustion. I was still committed to finishing up my transition reports at work , packing my apartment, financial budgeting, trying to maintain my sanity and all the things in between. I had some amazing moments with friends before I left Atlanta, but stress and exhaustion had me weak and in a hospital bed. This wasn’t the first time, but I vowed it would be the last, if I had any control over it. I knew my breaking points, but I ignored them.

Last Thursday, it felt good to be on do not disturb in all aspects; with work, school, personal relationships and all. I even muted the dating apps! I stripped down, allowed my tears to flow and slept all day. I realized I had emotions I needed to feel, productivity I needed to put at a halt, and honestly shut down and rest. My body needed it. I’ve been at capacity, and moving forward I am holding myself accountable to paying attention to that a bit more.

Living a life of ease, patience, and rest is what I am committed to. That is a component of self-care and self-love is for me.

What did Savannah (Whitney Houston) say in Waiting to Exhale? “Hell, my body needs this.” I felt Savannah on the level she was coming from, but in this context, I’m speaking rest.

It’s Sunday evening and I am basking in my rest and pleasures. I have a glass of dry red wine, chocolate covered cashews, and Jumping the Broom is playing as background noise. I’ve shared my current read below, and I have found that reading throughout the week has added a switch up to my daily routine.

I encourage you to find something simple to switch up your weekly routines to avoid burnout. Maybe make a fun to-do list that relates to things that you find enjoyable, things you can mix into your daily work and pleasure habits. Find time for YOU and REST.

Take care.

Current read: WILL - Memoir by Will Smith

Would you all like my weekly reads? My writing playlists? Leave a comment below, let me know.

Heather J.

Romantic Single: Love Languages

Deeply thinking about how I give and receive love.

I love all things romance.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in right person, wrong timing? Maybe? Or the value in experiencing someone during a particular chapter in one’s story? I’ve recently watched some amazing Black love stories that have supported my thoughts in this sentiment which I go back & forth with (next blog post).

I love, love.

I simply love romance. Within any experience, whether it’s self-love, intimate, platonic. I enjoy cultivating a connection of care, appreciation and vulnerability. Experiencing honesty, sharing warm linens with someone the morning after, legs connected at the thighs. Can you tell you I love deep-descriptive engagements? Poetry? Notable mention, a shared space of silence between myself and another is deeply appreciated. I love novels, fine champagne, classic Black silk robes, jazz music, Pinot Noir, French cuisine, fresh bouquets of red roses, Black love.

I enjoy intimacy, self-luxurious activities. I enjoy experiences. I enjoy kind and gentle partners.

I enjoy sex.

I’m currently enjoying and embracing my single journey. My deepest love during this time is for my creative art. My characters develop each day. I find comfort in beginning new freshly blank journals. I can honestly say, I catch flights often and occasionally catch feelings, both can exist LOL. I’m in a space of maturity and self-awareness to engage in casual sex with shared communication of healthy boundaries established up front. I absolutely love things that make me feel both present and alive.

All these things can be true, be present, and have my desired love languages involved; in both receiving and giving.

For Self-Love

I absolutely love spending time with myself. My top love language for self-love is Quality Time, through and through. I drown myself in ways I find luxurious, beautiful pleasuring. I take myself on some of the best dates if I must say so myself. My time is spent intentionally doing activities that I find enjoyable escaping whatever reality may be true to enjoy the moment. Grasping onto moments where I can stay present, enjoying myself and loving on myself gently.

One of my favorite ways to spend time with myself is taking myself to dinner and a movie. I usually begin each week with a brand new beautiful bouquet of flowers, intentional journaling time (Sunday Love Notes), and my selected day of the week where I will plan my date night. Depending on the week (and budget) I’ll plan multiple activities. I never regret spending time with myself and giving myself what I want and need. I don’t deny myself the pleasure I need, that’s in any aspect or form. I appreciate well thought out intentionally time with myself.

For Receiving Love

Being a writer I am in love with thoughtful word exchange. Words of Affirmation is my language in receiving love, which can be shown in many forms for me. I am truly appreciative of a written word exchange and melt at verbal word exchange. Receiving a written note, a card in the mail or even a post-it note left in one of the many places I’d find it. Can you tell I’ve done this before?

This love language for sure is best appreciated with action, but knowing that I am appreciated and can indulge in a conversation about that appreciation does something for me. I am still one who appreciates written letters full of expression.

My friends STILL receive letters and cards from me outside of special occasions.

For Giving Love

You express to me what you may need? You’re vulnerable enough to share what would be most helpful during a difficult time? If I’m a guest in your home or invited to any family outing, I often struggle with being “just a guest.” I give love in Acts of Service. I pride myself in being a great listener, strong communicator and one who is willing to adjust and correct where needed, but with listening I also honor the ways in which I can make someone else’s journey lighter.

Acts of Service is something I truly value in my friendships and relationships. In expression, and on the receiving end. Being an educator, I’ve always valued my communicative relationships with others and being in service.

Sharing any space with anyone I’m always focusing on multiple aspects of peace, appreciation and service.

Reflective Spaces

When taking the love languages quiz, I deeply reflect on the statements and apply them to where I am currently. The fact that they have one for singles was helpful, Lol. I think my languages have definitely changed over time based on experiences, reflections and most certainly discomfort during the pandemic, career change and change of focus in various areas.

I’m deeply flawed.

I’ve experienced many environments, relationships and ever-changing friendships that have allowed my way of thinking and expectations of reciprocity to shift.

The love I have for myself within continuously grows stronger as the days pass. Therapy has aided in a healthy way to shaping my views of self-love.

Current Reads:

Seven Days in June by Tia Williams

While We Were Dating by Jasmine Guillory

Pussy Prayers by Black Girl Bliss

Until next time.

Heather.

Replenish

How do you begin to heal the parts of yourself that are screaming to be free?

The parts of yourself that are seeping through your surface of delicacy with a bitter aroma, that sweet juices are unable to balance out? When does the part of yourself that wants inner peace begin to set accountable boundaries for change?

Go back to your origin story.

The story that you effortlessly began writing before your ability to see your desires clearly were damaged. For quite some time, an uncomfortable chapter in my life allowed me to be in an unfamiliar place where feelings of doubt, inadequacy and exhaustion were in control.

As my story is continuing to be written, still with many errors and cliff hangers, I’ve developed a stronger desire to indulge in what brings me pleasure, a sense of clarity and overall joy. Two weeks before my birthday, feelings have not yet set in that I made the bold decision to choose myself. I’ve been an individual on an indifferent pathway, often alone, that comes with its pros and cons. There has been this constant thrill in my life, that has afforded me many desirable experiences.

I am enjoying myself effortlessly, even though my milestone at this age may look a bit different than others within my community. My perspective on my writing, need for captivating pleasure, and peace of mind are priorities within my life during this chapter.

Time is unfolding and my pages are being written with the courage to set better boundaries with myself. Revisiting old thoughts, old feelings and releasing old habits will aid in my process to move forward. The power that comes along with setting better boundaries is an inner feeling that protects my well-being.

I begin my mornings with solitude, stillness and thoughts of intimacy. The kind of intimacy that awakens my soul, creates beautiful imagery in my mind and allows me to escape for seconds that transition into silent minutes.

I am replenishing intimacy with myself.

Water and natural oils roll off my structure, I study it as I begin to affirm the places dissociated from the rest. My continued exploration of self allows me to reexamine my wants and needs; my ability to be delicate and loving is shown in the rhythm of my fingertips. Our time together is uninterrupted, listening is intentionally is balanced as kind words are transmitted at a frequency attainable.

When I close my eyes and visit my favorite place, I am taken to a destination of luxury. A destination that includes rest, patience, books and all the sexual fantasies one could name. In my dreams is where my destination of luxury often visits me, but now I am visualizing it in the present form. I am surrounded by large bodies of water and souls that allow freedom and comfort to transcend between our connection.

“Within the celebration of the erotic in all our endeavors, my work becomes a conscious decision a long-for bed which I enter gratefully and from which I rise up empowered.”

— The Erotic as Power, Audre Lorde (1978)

The distant relationship between my pen and journal pages have met again. The distant relationship between the two was causing a silent disruption in my own life and my comfort was stifled. Creativity is a fuel that drives many of my pleasures in this life.

During this time of replenishing, it is my goal to sit with my work, sit with my joy and allow time and space to guide me. I think releasing the need to control but experiencing life as it comes has truly had a benefit in how I engage with myself (and others), which has made for more genuine connection in my life.

My origin story allows me to unfold organically and abundantly. It is only when I am honest with myself where I can fully grasp onto what I am missing and what needs to be replenished.

Replenishing my days with intentional rest is a continued priority for me. I am entering into a chapter where the need for both joy and peace must exist for me to feel a a sense of home. I desire to journey through a space where my creativity is not hindered by self-doubt and fear.

Chapter 30: Replenish

Adapting to Seasons: Extended Note

You.

Yes YOU. I see You.

Time feels like it is gradually moving by at a slow but steady pace and other times it feels like it's moving rapid and quickly without allowing yourself time to stop, gaze and catch your breath.

Your high standards, innovation and futuristic strengths often play a key role in where you see yourself in life, both in the present and future. Don’t be so hard on yourself in this moment.

You may often sit, look around and ask where your blessing is. Through all the challenges, growing pains, laughter & tears, you still wonder when your feeling of peace and breakthrough will present itself. 

The concept of patience for you, may be thoughts centered on your next career move, the yearning for stability in certain aspects of your life, developing a new craft or committing to change. Sometimes, it's not having all the answers when in fact you just wish you did. 

Even if it's one answer to push you in the right direction. 

From past experiences, you may have learned that rushing things with your own set agenda and lack of focus isn't always what's best but your optimism and positive spirit took everything as a "lesson learned. " So why is it different now? Maybe because you don't want to swim in a sea of regret or repeat the same mistakes you once made.

Word from the wise, allow yourself some compassion and grace while trying to figure this thing called "life" out. Don't feel pressured to have all the answers in a split moment or in the coming days.

Don't allow yourself to be a victim of self sabotage, celebrate YOUR JOY and the need to want to see your accomplishments come to fruition. Celebrate small wins and accomplishments.

There is value in reflecting on how far you've come. To see yourself and the growth you've made over the years is something within itself to celebrate. The habits you've broken, the relationships you've ended, the toxicity that you've wiped clean out of your life has helped you elevate to new heights, even if you don’t see it right away. That within itself deserves a celebration. 

We are bound to change our goals, dreams and aspirations and that is okay. You will continue to meet people who awaken a spark inside of you, let it flow abundantly. Someone may enter into your life and see you better than you see yourself in many positive ways, allow it to reveal itself.

Allow yourself to feel, self-process, reflect and even wonder but don't dwell on an intended timeline because some of the best destinations have the most beautiful, eye-opening, fun, often times confusing but worthwhile journey's with many captivating experiences along the way. 

To the person reading this extended note of affirmation,

I see you.

Because I needed this self-love note myself.

This is OUR note, OUR reminder:

We are worthy of rest and all good things coming our way. We are doing well. We are doing our best.

A Note to Self: You Deserve

Forgive yourself as many times as you need to.

Understand that the decisions you’ve made, the relationships you’ve cultivated and the time that you’ve spent working toward your purpose has value.

What harm can come from you moving toward a more meaningful and fulfilling life?

At times, the part of self that shows up for you is fearful, doubtful and can be second-guessing; that doesn’t mean that you aren’t capable of greatness.

But what about the part of self that is truly going after what you want in life? The part of self that is truly captivated by what sparks a flame and creative joy within you that says “I’ve got this!”

Everyone has purpose.

You have purpose.

You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. You’ve used information that you had during a time in your life to make decisions to move toward what you wanted and saw alignment in.

“You deserve the life you want without qualifying statements”

— My Amazing Mentor, Ashlee Roberts

It’s okay if you change your mind. It is absolutely okay if your wants and needs change to fit the life you are seeking now.

You deserve rest. You deserve breaks. You deserve clarity. You deserve peace. You deserve love. You deserve space. You deserve kindness. You deserve JOY. You deserve healthy interactions. You deserve happiness. You deserve luxury. You deserve change. You deserve YOU.

Allow yourself to become more appreciative of the simple beauty within your life, beauty that is often overlooked due to this constant rapid moving in life; the constant need to be busy, productive. Reflect on how you view gratitude in your life in relation to relationships, meaningful relationships. Relationships that allow you to be authentically yourself.

Most importantly, allow yourself Grace.

Sincerely,

A note to self and anyone who needs it.

cooking as a form of healing: anxious Black woman

My sensation and JOY after a long day is smooth soulful jazz, a glass (or two) of Pinot Noir and something well-seasoned in my oven. Thursday evenings are usually reserved for MY self-date and solo-celebration evenings where I spend intentional and uninterrupted time with Heather. This past Thursday evening, I had the sounds of Sade blaring through my speakers, a glass of Pinot Noir accompanying me in the kitchen AND my dinner in the oven.

Thursday Night’s Dinner Menu: (Appetizer) Fried Green Tomatoes with Goat Cheese & Sriracha (Main Meal) Pan-Seared Steak (Seasoned with Rosemary & Garlic), Oven-Roasted Red Potatoes (With Dill) and Lemon & Herb Marinated Sauteed Kale.

Cooking is a form of expressing creativity, experiencing peace and overall spending time with self. I’ve allowed cooking to be a place of serenity for me and a place of escape. When I feel myself becoming overwhelmed by my emotions, I cook.

I often struggle with sitting in “uncomfortable emotions” due to this constant need of being productive to mask my frustrations (although it helps, it isn’t healthy). Cooking helps me relieve any tension, anxiety or worry that I may experience.

Living with anxiety and depression can be challenging.

I’m consistently growing through my challenges while seeking and receiving the help & support needed to function on a daily basis; pulling myself out of anxiety attacks weekly is a heavy burden to bear. Cooking and expressing myself through writing, specifically poetry, helps calm my anxieties; but it doesn’t erase my anxiety or magically make my anxiety go away.

What it does do, is it allows me to be in a separate place for awhile. It allows me to surpass suffocation from the exhaustion of perfection. Cooking and writing allows me to be free, innovative and discover new pieces of myself I didn’t know existed because of .. my anxiety.

As time has passed, I’ve worked through my ability to be authentic with myself and understand that vulnerability is a gift to myself as I work through my healing. I am grateful for my skill of cooking, I am beyond grateful for the beautiful souls within my life that allow me to be me authentically me and whole without an apology. My love for those transcends to a height unimaginable.

Love Through Music

My Creative Recipe

Music Brings Me JOY While Cooking

A Seat At The Table, TRULY got me through some of the most challenging moments during my twenties-chapter. I still reflect on what that album did for me.

Waiting to Exhale, NOW! This soundtrack, I listen to weekly and Babyface knew what he was doing with this writing and the collaborations; such powerful BLACK women on this project.

India Arie, WELL. Anything by this woman is absolutely phenomenal and life changing. Specifically, Voyage to India and Songversation.

I’ve come to the realization that what I need most on days where I feel stagnant is my cooking & creativity. I need peace, patience and the space to fail, pick myself up and try again. To recognize the light within myself that ignites a passion that I’m able to fulfill. I need to stand firm in the reconstructed boundaries I set for myself and others.

What I need most is to recognize that I am human and I am not defined by my past of the things I’m continuously learning and unlearning through this transition.

Take your time.

Love yourself more.

Love, Heather

@shecooks.too

My Cup: Standing Firm In Personal Boundaries

The sunlight serves a beautiful purpose each morning when I wake up. The sun plays hide & seek in between my slightly cracked blinds and the rays hit my bare skin with a blistering heat. Before I close my eyes at night, I often contemplate on closing those slightly cracked blinds but I enjoy the moonlight lighting up my bedroom space and the shadows on my ceiling.

My mornings have become routine, anxiety hits me before I even reposition myself to get out of bed and I usually have the tendency to talk to myself, positive affirmations, before I say good morning to my dog child, Ava.

It’s two weeks before my birthday and I am in an agonizing funk.

I’m slightly overwhelmed. Being a Black woman in pain, suffering in an excruciating silence.

While continuously striving to be the best woman I can be, perform as an academic scholar, be all the things I’m expected to be and heal through tough transitions has been heavy. Transitions that involve academia, job-function and all the things us twenty-somethings go through.

Lately,

My days have been extremely long, my dreams have become ultimately bizarre, I feel as though I’ve met my new therapist in a past life (she is amazing) and overall I’m just doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

Setting personal boundaries is something I’ve been diligently working on within myself over time, through countless therapy sessions, recent experiences and just the overall concept of exhaustion.

Throughout the month of July, I’ve been in the hospital 3 times. Yes 3. The current pandemic has things off balance and a bit all over the place but I’ve been hospitalized due to stress and exhaustion, and having anxiety plays a key role as well. I’ve had sinus infections, strep throat and all the things other than COVID-19 but I’ve still been in a personal panic. Now within that, I’ve also been battling racial battle fatigue on a daily basis.

Now. I’m in a doctorate program, working full-time, holding myself accountable to various outside writing projects, balancing a social life (while social distancing) and being just overall human. I have quite a bit on my plate and not adhering to reasonable boundaries has had me in a bind, a tight bind.

Boundaries

“I would like to set some boundaries moving forward. Please be mindful of the times frames in which you choose to reach out to me. This has happened more than once at an extremely late house. I hope you can adhere to my boundaries. ”

— Heather J

Boundaries are something I’ve struggled with throughout my life. As I’ve gotten older and really have dug deep into therapy, opening up childhood wounds; a lot of my conditioning and core beliefs around boundaries began in my childhood. I’m the oldest of four, I’ve always taken on extreme leadership in both the home and school but most importantly, I think a lot of key things within my identity as a Black woman and continued development has caused me to believe to be all things to all people.

My Cup: Standing Firm in Personal Boundaries and Not Feeling Guilty For Saying “No”

During this pandemic, what has stood out to me the most is how I respond during times of uncertainty and unrest. As a Black woman, I’ve been more mindful of what I allow to take up space in my mind, presence and overall being. It’s crucial to identify blockage, challenges and changes you desire to make; control what you can control, yes, but my response has a been equally important.

I’m battling everyday with this concept of fight or flight response.

I’ve been second-guessing myself, passing up on opportunities and even shying away from my greatness. My relationships with friends have been tested, true colors have come to the surface and I’ve overall tapped into this self-awareness that has been buried all along. My boundaries and what I allow has shifted. Although, I am working through quite a bit in therapy, keeping a daily journal and seeking God daily & praying for discernment, I’m disciplined in keeping my word. Pay attention to the shift in your boundaries and what you allow.

Each day is a new day to learn from the previous day, hour or week. I’ve shifted my way of thinking toward trying to learn from decisions I’ve made or thoughts I’ve had. Anxiety has my thinking all over the place but with great friends, outlets and therapy, even that has gotten better.

Reflect on the type of life you want to create for yourself. Will that life require sacrifices in friendships, decisions and an overall way of being? YES, it just may. Working toward a better me if the ultimate goal and protecting my peace and staying true to my boundaries is my ultimate goal.

I challenge you to set intentional boundaries for yourself and continue to communicate when you notice someone violating yours.

Love,

Heather J.

@shecooks.too

Soul Connections: Korin

The next day,

Reoccurring thoughts played through my mind as I reflected upon the place of serenity in which I had been taken. I had been taken to a place of peace, fantasy and even expectation. The expectation came from a familiar feeling that mirror-imaged a slight remembrance.

Korin Alivia appeared.

She had your eye structure, cheek bones and even your smile. A smile that doesn’t even compete with the sun rays on the brightest days. We dreamed of this moment, and there she was.

Words re-appeared that had a deeper meaning in a beginning no one saw coming. A thrilling beginning that brought joy, the feeling of newness and the overall beginning of an unfamiliar but worthwhile journey.

The next day,

Gratitude arose at its peak. It payed me a visit during my vulnerable state of being.

My sense of smell reached new heights, my heart grew full and my overall memory was taken to a place of serendipity. I am grateful, forever grateful for time, patience, understanding and deeper depths.

I am grateful for the soul connection shared between her and the agave.

I am grateful for,

Love.

tarnished petals

I think January is my free-trial month.

Saturday evening, I left my therapist’s office feeling better than I did when I walked in, which was a plus but I truly was in a state of deep reflection. She boldly asked me, Heather, when are we going to start teaching people how to treat us? Knowing that I walked in with my heart and mind set on a theme centered on vulnerability. It’s something that I find myself struggling with in different phases of my life, being vulnerable within my writing isn’t as tough as verbally being vulnerable, especially with those closest to me.

In 2019, well, actually for quite some time, I’ve been battling waves of depression and deep anxiety. I think 2019 was the year for me that I realized that I didn’t have to go through challenging times alone but how do I shift my thinking when most of the time, I feel alone? I struggled with balancing relocation, starting a doctoral program, learning a new job and still trying to succeed through accomplishments and accolades that were just hiding a woman struggling with perfectionism. Living in survival mode throughout my entire life and truly navigating hardships and challenges, all I know how to do is “make it work.”

Well, I’m tired. Sis needs a break.

With all that, sometimes I fall into isolation mode and I’m overwhelmed with the expectations from others and even my own crazy expectations that often come with hard deadlines. I think we continuously ask one another on social platforms, who does the strong friend vent to, but in actuality there is a heavy feeling that comes with the thought. I find myself becoming exhausted with continuously holding space for others while not being vulnerable and honest enough to name where I currently may be. I distance myself from anyone who threatens my strengths, questions my competence and doesn’t value my personal space. My therapist challenged me to still hold space for others and remain genuine but be more honest with myself and others during times where I’m down in the valley but appearing to be on the mountaintop.

These days, I’m becoming more self-aware and allowing myself GRACE while trying to name my wants and needs more directly. I also believe, that distinguishing your wants & needs from others truly does help with managing your emotional connections. I’m detaching away from this assumption that others know what I may be struggling with and even being thoughtful enough to check-in on me.

2020,

I am coming to you with love, expectation and abundance. May my heart continuously unfold, may my virtue of patience be strengthened and may my intentions remain pure. A woman of many talents, flaws and desires. I come humbly to reclaim what is mine. I am no longer playing small or minimizing what greatness I have within the deeper depths of me.

“there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you”

— Maya Angelou

To the woman struggling in her season,

Your spark will return. The light you own that illuminates the world will still shine when you return.

Some days are gold, some days are blue, but you are still worthy, regardless of what hue of colors present themselves.

Trying to unlearn past behaviors and cope with change can be challenging but you’re growing, continue to be true to who you are. Show up and know that you are deserving of all things entering your life. You belong in that space. At times, Impostor syndrome may present itself but know that someone’s believes in you. You will accomplish goals you haven’t even known were possible yet.

You are capable of great things.

So I say this to whomever may be reading, allow yourself to feel, process and heal in your own timing. Our own personal stories make us who we are and contribute to our identities as we navigate through this beautiful life.

My word for 2020 is EXECUTE, time to start doing MORE, speaking less and stop playing with my potential.

This too shall pass.

With love,

Heather J.

@shecooks.too

Letting Go: Be Patient With Yourself

Draft: February 11th, 2019

Letting go, is a form of self-care.

Letting go of the need to control every aspect of my life has been a common theme that I’m ready to speak on transparently. I owe it to myself to free the space in my mind for more positive thinking.

Continuously placing myself on my own intended timeline in life has created great anxiety, it has erased the JOY I feel in the current moment and often times it makes me feel unworthy.

In fact, I deem myself to be successful, smart, grateful and a woman who is led by God. On some days, it’s hard for me to see the beauty I’ve fought to gain in life because I’m wasting time trying to control every aspect of it.

Gratitude

Having a heart of gratitude goes along with the optimism I carry on a daily basis but I’ve reflected on the idea that I need to do more. It’s easy for us to list the things we are grateful for and I personally have a gratitude journal that I spend time with but what if I began to do more? I began practicing gratitude by verbally expressing to others that I am grateful for the space they hold in my life. I’m grateful for overall forgiveness, forgiveness of myself and the forgiving heart that God is continuously working through with me. I’ve allowed more space and I’ve shown others ways in which I have become more forgiving. I’ve interrupted my daily anxiety with gratitude.

Fear, Fear of Letting Go

I recently had a talk with my therapist about the fear that is attached with “letting go” for me. The fear that if I let go and I don’t have a grasp of what’s going on in my life, I begin to feel like I’m caught up in my own personal tornado. I have this idea, that I need to have control of the things that I apply for, experience and the beautiful things that enter into my life.

Above, this was a blog post that has sat in my draft box since February 11th. Life got to me and I lost grasp of my creativity and I fell of my personal timeline of completing creative projects.

During the month of February, I was stretched to capacity. Stretched in uncomfortable, creative yet successful ways. I found myself in spaces that were often dark and I was in the valley. But I’ve also found myself on the mountain and in spaces where I learned quite a bit about myself, my ability to be patient was tested and my overall FAITH had been tested.

I’m blessed beyond measure. I say that out loud to myself every morning.

Within the two months that I began this blog post above, I started writing during an era of self-doubt and negative self-talk. I can now say that I’ve found light and blessings within my personal struggles. It was hard to cope during my challenging times because I didn’t find the JOY in my writing anymore.

Since then, I my writing has been featured in websites and blogs I read daily to find my personal light.

I’ve relocated to a new city, started a new job, blessed to say that I will be starting my doctoral journey later this year and I am continuously growing in LOVE.

Remember to be kind to yourself.

End Goal: Self-Compassion

"I challenge you to give yourself kindness."

My therapist spoke those words to me and I slightly cringed at the thought of, "I try my hardest to do such a thing - I think I do a good job at it." But the reality of the situation is, I don't. There is always more room to grow, to give and be a beacon of light to myself just a bit more. 

I'm the hardest on myself, I can admit. 

Maybe because I am the one deep down inside who truly knows what I am capable of, so when I produce anything less I can be super critical of myself. 

My profession and natural aptitude of communication, care and compassion has me conditioned to always put others first - continuously pushing out that kindness at often times forgetting about myself. 

I struggle with this concept of telling temporary people permanent things because I love seeing the good in people and I love communication among others; but then I feel bad for opening up. I'm challenging myself with the idea that maybe, just maybe I am teaching someone something along the way with my words. 

Writing deadlines creep upon me like no other, I am critical on myself if I don't have a particular flow because again, I get the final say, right? I'm challenging myself to be more accepting of my work and realizing that it may inspire another. 

I challenge you to give yourself more kindness and grace along the way. Along the way of navigating valid feelings.

Being kind to my body also serves a meaningful purpose. 

“Loving every inch of me from my hair follicles to my toes”

We both will work through the journey of wrapping ourselves in kindness, joy and love.

Self-Compassion is the end goal. 

Letter to my Younger Self

Hey Young One,

Smile, because you want to. Not due to someone else's inability to see your joy and falsely label you. Smile because brighter days are coming and you are here to accept them fully.

Love yourself first. Love yourself first because no one else can give you the self-love, compassion and fulfillment that you must seek within. The journey to self-love isn't easy but allow yourself time to develop. Comparing yourself to someone else's self-love journey will not allow yours to flourish more brightly, it only weakens your pedals. Your pedals are intended to produce love, joy, bright colors, dull colors and everything in between in its own time.

I want you to understand that what you give may not be given back in return but you're a natural giver which means you have to know when to say no. You have to know when to say enough is enough. When you give others pieces of you that require time, energy, and emotion, understand that you are making an investment in which you may or may not get back. So I advise you to learn this as early as you can, but it is okay if you stumble and fall

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

You will be labeled professional, poised, sassy, angry, challenging, tough, conceited, not good enough, difficult, over-achieving, and witty and the list may continue. Just know that the ones who label you aren't writing your story, you are. As you are writing your story, please note that not everyone will subscribe, understand the grammatical errors or know that there are many run-on sentences. Do you. Be You.

Understand that every heartbreak, upset, temporary failure and milestone you reach is for a reason far beyond your understanding. Each setback is a setup for a comeback that will put you in a far better place than you imaged.

You fall hard. You will fall hard. Failed relationships are meant to teach you. Follow your dreams, live out your goals, be a beacon of light to others; there is time. The guy you end up with early on will not be the guy you are within moments to come, but know that over time developing a relationship with self is more valuable than a heartbreak will ever be. Give yourself time to grow, develop and be great!

Develop relationships with others, but also know that when you begin to feel disconnected have a self-check moment and remind yourself that you are worthy.

No need to put all your eggs in one basket. Why? The reason why is because the plans you have set, God has already laughed at and thought otherwise. Where you are now, is not where you thought you'd be a year ago. Trusting him is the best thing you can do along this journey.

“Trying to untangle my knots, Is like telling the ocean to visit quietly”

— Watering Her Roots (H.Macon)

You will evolve into a strong, innovative, brave young woman. Not everyone will be able take on the confidence that you possess. Some won't understand your joy and that's okay. See, they haven't seen where you've been, they don't know where you're going. They don't know what you are capable of? They have no idea. Melanin, Magic, and Magnificence, keep striving.

Lastly, Heather, I want you to give yourself the Grace, kindness and Encouragement that you deserve. Not always hearing it when you needed it along this journey, may hold weight. Understand that you are shaping lives by the day and that matters. Even though you may not hear it, know that your knowledge, growth and power inspires someone.

I'm writing this letter to you because I want you to know that throughout this journey you will grow, you will be tested, you will fail. Hear me, you will fail. But failure is what is going to make you into a strong, courageous woman who in fact will be confident within herself to withstand what is thrown her way. You will be taken on various journeys that the lord intends for you because he wants you to be molded in his image. You can AND WILL weather the storm.